When You Don’t Get Your Way: How to Communicate Assertively Using the DESC Script

How do you respond when things don’t go your way? Whether in close relationships or broader cultural discourse, many people struggle to express frustration in a way that’s constructive. The news is filled with examples of anger turning into aggression—harmful not only to others, but to the cause itself.

On a more personal level, life becomes frustrating when you can’t communicate your needs or feelings effectively. That’s why I often teach my clients to use the DESC Script, a simple but powerful communication tool to organize thoughts and feelings and express them respectfully.

Here’s how the DESC Script works:

D – Describe the situation objectively, without assumptions or emotional embellishment.

E – Express your thoughts and feelings clearly.

S – Specify what you need or want.

C – Communicate the positive (or negative) consequences of what you’re requesting.

Example:

D: "When I walked in the door tonight, you looked at me but didn’t say anything. I said, ‘Hello,’ but didn’t get a response."

E: "I know sometimes you're focused on what you’re doing, but tonight it felt different. I felt hurt, disrespected, and ignored."

S: "When I come home, I look forward to reconnecting—even just with a simple ‘Hi.’ If something’s bothering you, I’d appreciate it if you’d let me know."

C: "If we greet each other when we get home, I think we’ll feel more emotionally connected. If we don’t, I worry it may create distance or resentment."

This isn’t just a technique for relationships at home—it’s also effective in the workplace or when communicating with public officials. The DESC Script promotes assertiveness without aggression, helping you express needs while preserving respect and connection.

You may not always get what you want, but you’ll be more likely to be heard, and your relationships will be healthier for it.

Live, Work & Relate Well!